Keep Breathing Page 9

  Why can’t things be simple? I was the queen of complicated, and it was usually because I let things get the best of me.

  I furiously rubbed the smeared makeup off, splashing it away. I also rinsed out my mouth before staring at myself in the mirror. Shaking my head as I took in my sad appearance, it was horrid. I looked exhausted with the bruising of dark circles forming under my eyes and puffy sleep lines tracking one cheek. I licked my lips, still pink and puckered from being kissed. Kissed. By. Seth. I’d never thought I’d ever be doing that again. Even if it had been a delicious roll in the sack. It was disturbing how easily I’d let him in and how good it had been. It wasn’t supposed to be that good. If it hadn’t been so mind-blowing, I might have had more fuel to keep my resistance going. I remembered making love to him in college, but it’d never been like that. Never so hot and sizzling. It felt as though my body would burn into ashes from the desire running through me.

  Dammit Seth!

  He’d left me breathless, and I could still feel those plump lips of his trailing down my body, down my stomach, and sending pulses of pleasures all over, which had heated me up to the point of boiling until it sent a jolt shooting down my thighs. He’d been good before, but now…now he was an excellent lover. He was no longer the young man I’d known in another life. He was a different kind of poison. The slow, scorching, addictive kind that could kill a person if let to burn hot enough. I had to get out of there. No, run out of there as fast as my feet could possibly take me before I wouldn’t be able to leave, and my willpower waltzed out the door once more.

  Sneaking down the hall, the smell of bacon and coffee tempted me to forget my desire to escape. A man who made breakfast was pretty out of the norm for me, and it caught me off guard. I’d dated my share of men after Seth, but it had never gotten deeper than casual encounters and regular dates until I was bored out of my mind. No one had ever gotten close enough to last longer than that. I had made sure they wouldn’t by finding something wrong with them faster than they could put their jockey shorts back on.

  They’d been too into themselves, too short, too tall, too skinny, too husky…Or I would find something minute about them that sufficed to shove them away. I wouldn’t bother to call them back when they filled my machine with their desperate messages, and recited speeches of love to lure me back in. I wouldn’t answer them, and let them fade away into oblivion before marching on to the next sorry date I managed to scrape up.

  Sad wasn’t it? How pathetic my love life had turned out since being with this man. Seth had me scrambled to distraction as these thoughts pummeled my brain with their flashes of regret and emptiness. It was enough that I hadn’t noticed the steps echoing down from the kitchen until Seth had turned the corner, plate of heavenly food on one hand and a glass of juice in the other. He came to a stop, and we eyed each other with apprehension. I was pretty sure he knew just what I’d been up to. I’d been caught with one foot out the door in my walk of shame.

  “I made breakfast.” He held out a plate piled high with pancakes dripping with syrup, thick, crispy slices of bacon and perfectly browned toast with butter. My stomach growled ferociously, betraying me in an instant. I was pretty sure he’d heard its complaints, too. There was no walking out of this one now.

  “I hope you have some time to eat before you go.” He motioned toward the breakfast nook, sitting in the light of the bay window overlooking the city skyline. One of his eyebrows lifted, curiously, as he waited patiently for me to answer. I hated being caught red-handed, trying to sneak out the morning after. I was usually slicker, but I hadn’t had a good look around his house before heading to the bedroom like I usually did with all my doomed dates in the past. This time, I’d had no time to before he’d swept me to the room.

  The food taunted me from the plate with its wafting aromas, making my mouth flood in drool. Okay, maybe I did have a little time for breakfast.

  “Wow, um. Yeah, of course! Smells amazing.” I plastered on a smile and nodded profusely. His face lit up as he slid the plate to my side of the table. I sighed, dropping my stuff off by the door and joined him. Somehow, I highly suspected he’d planned this all along, knowing how skittish I would be. Was I so transparent he could read my every move before I made it? Why else would he be awake at such an ungodly hour?

  “There’s more syrup if there isn’t enough on there for you. I remember how much you loved it smothered.” He winked and grabbed his plate, pulling himself closer to the table as he joined me. Watching him, I felt an odd calm rushing around and tingling my scalp before shooting down my arms as I watched him cut up his pancakes and shove in a mouthful. It was funny how the tiny details mesmerized me, freezing me in my chair. The way his jaw tensed as he chewed, the way his dark blonde eyelashes hooded over his sea-blue eyes. His rough fingers grasped the fork and stabbed at the food. His messy blonde locks were sticking out in every direction. It was charming, intoxicating, yet incredibly familiar all at the same time.

  Following the line of his naked arms up to the sharp indention of his collar bone, I found myself etching every notch, blemish and curve of his body into my memory. Why was I doing this to myself? Maybe it was a subconscious way for my mind to make me take notice of him. I had no idea why it would do such a traitorous thing, but I found myself unable to look away. At least, not until I caught his eyes as they found mine glued on him, and I quickly averted them to the plate in front of me to madly start cutting into my own meal.

  “How is it?” He took a swig of orange juice and waited for me to answer. Managing a grunt with a mouthful of bacon, I nodded and squeezed out an unattractive smile as I chewed. Why do people do that? Ask questions when you’re clearly busy chomping on a meal? I chased the lump of food with some juice before I could answer him properly.

  “Excellent, thank you.”

  He leaned back and continued to watch me, focusing intently as he wiped his mouth. His goatee was smooth and well-trimmed, a few shades darker than the hair on his head. It made him look like one of the male models in a Calvin Klein magazine, especially since all he had on was a pair of board shorts. It was quite difficult to not stare at his washboard abs as he moved to take his plate to the sink. Watching him walk away was no different. I practically had to rip my eyeballs away from him.

  The way he could move that body of his…

  I had to get a grip and focus on my plan before he distracted me any further. I’d gotten in over my head. I gulped down another bite and averted my eyes to my half-eaten eggs and toast. Somehow it was easier to breathe if I avoided looking at him. How does anyone even function being around that? I remembered him being sexy in college, but hot damn if he hadn’t morphed into a freaking Adonis since then. This was going to be way harder than I had initially thought. How do you game someone who looks like that? I was going to have to take a step back and make sure I had every inch of the picture accounted for, or I was going to fall flat on my ass again. I definitely didn’t want that to happen, and it was going to take all I had to keep from messing it up.

  I flicked my eyes toward him as he walked back to the table and sat down, his orange juice refilled and gripped in his fingers. I can look right? Just can’t touch him again. Way too dangerous.

  “Listen, thanks for this amazing ‘morning after’ breakfast and all, but I got to go.” I moved to stand up, but spilled out of the chair as my ankle caught the leg of it. I lay sprawled across the floor feeling every bit of the bruise blossoming on my knee. I wasn’t sure what was hurt more, my pride or my leg but, I turned over slowly to catch my bearings. I really needed to be more careful; I was probably still intoxicated, but I doubted it. What was wrong with me?

  “Penny, you okay? Here.” Seth plucked me up off the floor with the ease of a body builder, his lean, muscular arms securely around my waist. “You probably need some more coffee and water. Dehydration stiffens the muscles.” He led me gently to his couch, and I slipped down onto the soft cushions, madly rubbing my reddened knees. He was prob
ably right, but I hated that he was. “Let me see…”

  “It’s fine.” I muttered as he kneeled down and checked out my knees. He rubbed them softly, sending tiny shivers up my legs. I hoped he didn’t notice the goose flesh flaring across my skin. Much too soon, he stood up and headed toward the kitchen. I was relieved he had retreated, but the empty sadness I felt at his absence sent me into a tiny panic.

  Can’t feel that…just can’t right now.

  He returned from getting me a tall glass of water and pushed me to drink it all. I’d be rushing off to the bathroom in no time after that, but I would’ve preferred if it was back at my own place. Finishing it off, I stood up again—slowly this time—and made my way to his bathroom, brushing my hair down and frowning deeply at my less-than-flattering reflection.

  “Hey.” Seth was leaning against the wall as I exited the bathroom, making me extremely suspicious that he was going to attempt to make me stay. “Need anything?” He looked genuinely concerned.

  “Hey, thanks for the food, but I’ll see you later. I promise no more tripping.” I turned and headed toward the door, where my flats and my bag were waiting. I slipped them on and managed to unlock the two bolts on his door before his hand slipped over my arm and down over my fingers.

  “Did I do something? I don’t want you to go.” His voice was quiet and the warmth of his breath made me suck in a breath. I chanced a glance up and peered into his eyes. Bad idea. His eyebrows crinkled, worry stamped across his features as he studied my face.

  “I can’t do this, Seth.”

  “What can’t you do?” Confusion replaced the concern as he waited for my answer, not making any moves away from me.

  This was so hard!

  Flicking my eyes back and forth across his face, I felt my lips quiver. Something about him made me want to throw my stuff down and melt into his manly scented chest, like musk and leather combined, and lose myself forever. I was so stupid to think I could make him pay for what he had done to me. I’d never been one for revenge. How do you break someone’s heart on purpose? Hell, I’ve never done it, not consciously. So how was I supposed to know the way to do it right? This was uncharted territory, a place I’d never wanted to tread in. That was not written anywhere in my agenda.

  I was the kind of girl who wanted to fall in love with an amazing man, get married, have his kids and live happily ever after. Somehow, that image had fractured. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly I’d let my hopes and dreams warp into happy never after. I’d run from every man since I’d been with Seth. No matter the reasons I made up so that they weren’t good enough, I hadn’t moved on from losing Seth. I’d made up every reason in the world to avoid intimacy with anyone who crossed my path. Too good looking, too smart, too nerdy, too boring, too stupid, too… something.

  “Penny?”

  “I…I…”

  Who was I to judge so harshly? Who was I to think I couldn’t break hearts? I’d done it and hadn’t even realized it, over and over. How foolish was I to think I hadn’t? To all those exes, however brief our tenderness had been, I’d taken their hearts and pulverized them before my clothes had even hit the floor, just so I could be the first to run. So why, now that I’d wanted to intentionally do it to someone, to Seth, did I find myself frozen and unable to say what I wanted from him? Even if it was supposed to just be an act, I’d turned into a stuttering fool.

  I was a hypocrite…more broken than Seth could ever be.

  “I don’t know,” I finally mumbled.

  His fingers traced up my arm until they met my collarbone, slowly touching the smooth, rounded bone jetting out near my shoulder. It had sent shivers all the way down my body, and I could feel the hairs standing on end, betraying how good it felt in every little pore. I pulled away, and the pain flashing in his eyes was overwhelming, too much to bear.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, “I really have to go.”

  “Wait.” I paused at the single word, and he gripped my hands, cupping them as if they were precious metal.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m driving you home. I picked you up. You don’t have a car here.”

  “That won’t be necessary.” I pulled at the door, but he didn’t let go. Instead, he reached over to the entryway table and snatched a set of keys.

  “Then borrow my car. I’ll pick it up later, whenever you want me to.”

  It was no use fighting him. The determination was obvious in his tense jaw and firm look. Ripping my eyes from his, I relented and took the jingling set of keys. Swinging the door open, I ran down the driveway of his place toward his car. It wasn’t until I sat in the driver’s seat, cranked the starter, peeled out and pulled onto the main street that I realized I was crying. Hot, fat tears poured down my cheeks, and I made myself pull over before I ended up smashing into another car. I let them fall, splashing down my tank and onto my shorts, leaving enormous wet spots all over it. My body shook, heaving out the hurt of every broken love I’d ever experienced. I cried for the ones I’d pushed far, far away without a second thought to why I’d done so. I let each tear drop for the ones who had gotten away and the ones I had shoved away.

  Last, but not least, I let my broken heart resurface, and cried for the love I’d given Seth so willingly, so long ago. I’d been satisfied having just a corner of his heart before, but now I wasn’t sure if I wanted the entirety of his heart or to run from him faster than I’d ever run before. I’d have to decide whether to take all of him or nothing at all. This game of breaking hearts was not one I could play. It was a hot, bittersweet taste on my tongue, but I had to be one hundred percent positive that I could live through the consequences, whatever I decided.

  Nothing ever seemed to get any easier, even when the cards were in my hand this time.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Seth

  WHAT HAD I done wrong? I watched Penny slip out of my hands again as she slammed the gas and screeched out of my driveway. She took my heart with her, and it felt as if it’d been ripped out. Is that how she felt when I’d hurt her so many years ago? If so, I knew I could never make it up to her.

  The night before had been a dream come alive, and her scent lingered on my skin still. It was intoxicating, like sweet opium that seductively whispered in my ears as it taunted my nostrils and played back the memories of the night before over and over in my brain. After locking the door, I had sat on my couch and stared vacantly at the television, not really noting what was on, but the white noise helped me wallow in my thoughts.

  Penny was everything I thought she would be. Touching her over and over again and tasting her flesh was like heaven on earth. I had to have her again. Once more, I wished I hadn’t been such a fool so many years ago. Any man could see what a treasure she was. It made me grab a pillow off the sofa and throw it at the television. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to talk to anyone either. I knew what I wanted, and it was the one thing I couldn’t seem to have.

  Penny.

  My face in my hands, I felt the pain in my chest cramp up as I took in a deep breath. I hoped she made it home alright. Her stubbornness was apparent, and I knew she’d refuse me driving her with that wild look in her eyes. Still, I worried that in her current emotional state of mind, she’d do something erratic.

  I sighed and leaned back against the cushion of the sofa. I’d woken up early to make her the most extravagant breakfast I could muster and had cherished each bit she’d taken. At least I got to feed her some, she was so thin. Much thinner than she’d been in college. Maybe her job was stressful. She wasn’t the kind who would have an eating disorder, but she was the type to forget to eat when things got hectic.

  My concern for her welled up as the thoughts continued. I had to stop thinking or I’d lose my mind. Trying to occupy myself by cleaning up, I scraped the remains of our breakfast into the garbage and washed the dishes. My house was tidy, but not immaculate. The silence was deafening, but I pushed Penny from my mind. There were other things pressing.
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  My cell vibrated on the kitchen counter, and I swiped the screen when I saw who it was.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey there, Seth!”

  “Everything well?”

  “Couldn’t be more wonderful.”

  “How’s Cameron?”

  “He’s doing fabulous! We’ll be back tomorrow, but the reason I’m calling is because we’re cutting our next trip short. We have some business to attend to in our stores in Texas before the fourth. We have to get the store organized for the holiday, and then we’ll come back and get Cam for the holiday weekend. Is it okay if we bring him home early? It will be on Friday instead of Sunday.”

  I frowned, rubbing my hair as I thought about the news. Cameron had been with his grandparents for a couple weeks, and I hadn’t scheduled a sitter for that particular weekend. I’d be working the entire time. This wasn’t good news, but at least I might have some time to find a sitter. Cameron’s mother’s parents loved having him with them as often as they could. Even though they were of retirement age, they still ran several Southwestern accessory and clothing stores across the United States.

  “Yeah, of course. I’ll see if his regular sitter is available.”

  “Great! We’ll see you in a few days. Really sorry about that, I know how your business is picking up, too.”

  “Yeah it’s been crazy busy.”

  “That’s great. Glad to hear that.”

  “Thanks for letting me know.”